Adam Harrell

Every good joke stands on the shoulders of dozens of terrible ones, or some other such noble sentiment. Suffice to say, I happen to love terrible jokes and have a lot of them. Some of them were passed down to me, others I have read in old vaudeville and dime-store humor books, and still others I came up with entirely on my own, when nobody was even asking.

For your entertainment, delight, and perhaps deep-rooted scorn, here are ten of the most groan-inducing jokes I know. Be advised, if your reputation as a professional and functional human being is something you value, I would not repeat them in any context, and highly recommend burning your device after reading:

1. A duck walks into a drug store and asks the pharmacist, “Excuse me sir, do you have anything for chapped bills?” The pharmacists says, “We don’t serve ducks here.”
2. What time does Sean Connery arrive at Wimbeldon? Tennish.
3. Question for the people who breadcrumb romantic suitors — what are you trying to do, date a goose?
4. A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, we got a drink named after you!” The grasshopper says, “You have a drink named Steven?”
5. How many narcissists does it take to screw in a light bulb? Who f*cking cares about your lightbulb situation.
6. A lion and a cheetah had a race to see who was faster. The cheetah ended up winning. Afterward, the lion said, “You a cheetah.” The cheetah replied, “You a lion.”
7. What do you call a turd and a penis at a 90-degree angle? Poop-and-dickular.
8. I submitted ten puns to a pun contest once. I thought one would win, but no pun in ten did.
9. A man with a wooden eye was having trouble finding a date. One night at the club he saw a woman with a tin nose. He felt encouraged and asked if she’d like to dance. She responded, “Wouldn’t I!” He said, “Tin nose!” and stormed off.
10. “Knock knock.” Who’s there? “Your husband.” Your husband who? “Goddammit Gloria, it’s me, Roger.”

If you laughed at any of these, you can be sure that there is something deeply wrong with you. Or deeply right. Who can even tell anymore. I yearn for the days when irony was still a thing. At any rate, thanks for reading.

Til next time